"Call me.Text me.Smoke Signals. Anything, just let me know that you're thinking of me because I'm constantly thinking of you.
No one knows.
I've been through so much, but I keep up the charade. I keep the smile. I keep the laughter.
I still listen to everyone elses problems, and I give them my advice. The funny thing is; they all belive my lies. But I wonder if they'd believe the truth.
You want to know my secret?
I'm not okay.
No matter how many time I assure you that everything's fine, I'm lying.
I'm not okay. I'm not fine.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough.
Like you would be better off if I we're dead.
Well one day I will be dead,
And it could as well be all your fault.
No matter what I'm doing, suicide is on my mind.
It's like it's an alive thought in my head.
I need help. I can't drown it out anymore.
I'm so sick and tired of my life.
Of having to deal with this crap from my parents every day. Of having to continue breathing even though I don't have a single source of happiness.
I'm so torn and lost. I've given up hope. And still no one cares.
I miss you.
I miss how we used to talk on the phone every night.
I miss how we used to webcam all the time.
What I miss the most, is you called me beautiful.
I always say that I don't care what people think.
But that's a lie. Sometimes I don't, but it always lowers my confidence a little when someone calls me fat.
I know that I have what's called a beautiful face, but every little bit hurts.
I wanna be able to say that I'm thick and proud, not fat and upset.
I'm tired of the constant voice in my mind calling me worthless, and fat, and ugly.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep because I can't stop thinking about, and feeling the fat on my body.
I'm tired of not being good enough - of not being wanted or love by anyone.
I'm tired. Mentally and physically.
I feel I'm not good enough.
Not good enough for friends, family and guys.
Not good enough to have secrets entrusted in me.
Not good enough to be the person you hang out on the weekends.
I feel like I'm the second option. The back up friend.
When will I be first on the list? When will I matter?
I'm tired of being the dumb, ugly, fat friend.
I'm tired of having smart, beautiful, skinny, perfect friends.
I'm just tired of never being good enough for anyone.
Every day, on my way home, I watch the cars drive by, and I wonder the same thing each time.
"Is it going fast enough to kill me if I jumped in front?"
I just want to die.
Everything would be so much easier.
No more pain, hurt, troubles.
I can't help but have these thoughts & feelings.
As easy as it would be to just die.
I couldn't leave my family- I love them to much.
Theyre the ones that are keeping me alive.